It’s been very quiet around here lately and for that I am sorry. There are a number of posts saved in my drafts that will hopefully see the light of day at some point but I have found the words slow to be recognized, sticky like molasses reluctant to release their secrets.

In the two years since I’ve last written a lot has changed, and a lot is the same as it was:

• Brexit is still ongoing and nobody knows what is going on
• I’m still working at an SEN school and living in the U.K
• Trump is still in office somehow (seriously how?!?)
• Emma González and the rest of the teens affected by the massacre at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida gave me faith in the upcoming generation and hope that politics may actually change with them as they’ve proved themselves to be far more articulate and well informed than many of the politicians that have tried to quiet them
• Plastic straw bans are taking place in cities across the globe to help combat plastic waste
• I came out as bisexual
• Voter turnout is on the rise with more ‘young adults’ finally hitting the booths across the western world
• John Mulaney’s Kid Gorgeous and Hannah Gadsby’s Nanette renewed my love of standup comedy as well as showing that you don’t have to be a terrible human being to be funny

So yeah, it’s pretty much same old same old around here.

Ok, so maybe I should address one of those points in a bit more detail. I am Bisexual. I’ve had this conversation with some of you, and for many of you this will be a surprise. It is never an easy conversation to have, even if I know that it’s going to go well I still want to throw up prior to getting the words out, so if I haven’t come out to you in person please don’t take it as a personal slight.  Also coming out in your 30’s feels slightly ridiculous…isn’t this something that you’re meant to do as a teenager?

The combination of being raised in a conservative christian environment and the fact that I also like men allowed me to ignore and suppress that side of my sexuality for a really long time. I distinctly remember the petition that we were all encouraged to sign at church when I was in high school in the lead-up to gay marriage being legalised in Canada in 2005. The greatest irony of life being that I signed it as well. The idea that you could be a Christian and be gay but only if you were abstinent and essentially hated every part about being gay was pretty heavily taught as well. That whole love the sinner hate the sin mentality fucked me up for quite a long time and any hint of same sex attraction that I felt was swiftly locked away into a box at the back of my mind not to be looked at or examined too closely. It’s only in the last few years I’ve realised how important it was for my own emotional and spiritual well being to finally pull that box out from the shadows, unlock it and really figure out what was inside.

I found resources and a community online in spaces that I didn’t expect (seriously God bless the internet) and figured out I really was not alone in trying to work out how my faith and sexuality could coexist. I began to realise that actually, maybe, being honest with myself about who I was attracted to could make my faith stronger rather than destroying it. I’ve made friends for life in different parts of the world that have been amazing shoulders to cry on and celebrate with and a listening ear when needed (Rachel you in particular have been an absolute godsend).

I know that I’ll write more about gender, and sexuality and how that relates to the church and faith and God on here because it’s something I have a lot of opinions about but this isn’t really the post for that. For now all I need to say is that I know that I am loved for who I am by God, by my family and by my friends and community. I do not think that I am broken, or need to be fixed or that you can ‘pray away the gay’. And I know that I am still able to be a Christian and fully love God whether I am currently dating a man or a women.

As I came to terms with who it is that I am and who it is that I could possibly love and build a life with one of the most comforting verses to me was from Psalm 139 (Actually the whole chapter is great but it would get a bit long. You can read it here)

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when i was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

So yeah, things are a bit different this time around but it’s also all the same.
I’ve missed it around here and I look forward to getting back into this and I hope you’ll come along and join in the conversation.