If I offend you I am sorry. These are my thoughts.

Throughout this whole event I have been very aware of my unusual position in this referendum; I currently call Britain home but I do not identify as British, I have English heritage but it isn’t in any greater percentage than the rest of my European makeup, I work with a large number of English people but most of my students come from immigrant families, I don’t hold a British passport and yet I was able to vote in something that has changed the course of this country forever. The most consistent thought I have had leading up the vote was being frustrated with leaders on all sides for the quality of discussion and debate that was taking place. Scare tactics and fear mongering were rife and the general view seemed to be that facts didn’t matter it was more important to appeal to emotion.

Wednesday night, the day prior to the referendum was a night I did not sleep well. While there wasn’t anything specific rolling around in my brain that kept me awake until the wee hours of the morning it was more a general sense of unease and anticipation for the vote that was being held the next day. Spirited debates could be heard in the staff room in the days leading up to the vote with those on either side trying to convince those that were more undecided to join them.

The night of the referendum I slept like a baby. I was exhausted from what had proven to be a pretty shit day all around, biblical scale monsoon rains caused it to take me two hours to get into work and it continuing in that theme through the rest of the day. I did make it out to vote though! Thank goodness my polling station is less than a 30 second detour from my route home because I looked like I had swam there in the 5 minutes it took to get there from the train station.

I woke up Friday morning, checked my phone for the results and instantly felt my stomach drop. I felt like I had woken up in a country that was in freefall and everything that had be solid was suddenly on shaky ground. After considering if I could phone in sick and just stay home and drink/watch the news all day to figure out what the hell had happened (yes those thoughts did really go through my head) I chose to get up and get going. Knowing that Friday was going to be a very tough day for a lot of us I grabbed some brownies on the way to work. whether I’m celebrating or commiserating food will always be my first instinct.

Friday was……strange.

Early morning text conversations with friends and acquaintances back on the West Coast talking politics and trying to explain the climate that could lead to this decision.

Tears at work, both mine and those of others, hugs and confused stares. We lost our Prime Minister at breakfast and the Pound had dropped to a 30 year low. A co-worker questioning whether to walk away from closing on a house and loosing £35,000 because of a very real fear of this affecting her husbands job and not being able to afford the mortgage. The realization that I may end up returning to Canada not because I feel the pull to return home but because I may want to leave this country and knowing that this job does not exist in Canada. Knowing that I would have to reinvent my life. Quiet and unease in the public spaces of the workplace because you didn’t want to offend anyone (I will say the vote leave crowd at work was very respectful for those that voted remain). Co-workers coming into my room because they needed a space for it to be ‘ok to feel sad’ and they felt that it was a safe place.

A drink at a pub after work with a colleague for whom the day had been especially rough, trying to make sense of the decision made and what may unfold from here.

The realization over the last fortnight that nobody in power actually seems to have any clue as to what we should do next. Politicians jumping ship from both sides, they’ve made a mess but they sure as hell don’t seem to have any interest in trying to clean it up. How does a country regroup, heal and move on when there doesn’t seem to be anyone to help lead the way?

Frightened by a 60% increase in hate crime over the last two weeks towards the ‘wrong kind’ of foreigners. Concern that my Polish co-workers may be faced with some of that ignorant hatred.

Pride in the leadership of my church for making sure that the first words spoken in each of the services the following Sunday were ones of love and reassurance. Making sure that it was explicitly stated that if you were welcome regardless of the country you were from, that you were welcome if you were overjoyed or despondent based on the results of the referendum.

Encouraged by Archbishop Justin Welby’s statements and actions of the last two weeks. Hosting a feast for the end of Ramadan, calling for unity and understanding in the country. Speaking in the House of Lords and urging for investment in Education, Healthcare and Mental Health to help redress the massive inequality that the country is increasingly facing and which lead to such dissatisfaction with the EU.

Anger at the number of people after the results came out saying that they would change their vote if they could. That they hadn’t understood the implications of leaving, or that they had done it ‘for a laugh’ as they didn’t think that leave would ever go through. Frustration at the spike in google searches on Friday for ‘what is the EU’, if you didn’t understand what it is and does why did you vote to leave it?

Hopeful that the younger generation remains as politically engaged as they have been the last two weeks throughout this whole process and changes history. That they hold politicians to account and help shape the course the country for the better as we move forward. I don’t have any answers and this has all only brought more questions. If anything all I can say is that nobody really knows what is going to happen next.

This country feels fragmented at the moment and presenting disjointed snapshots of what has happened feels appropriate. Time will tell how well these fragments are able to stitch back together.